You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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