Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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