Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize