You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
