I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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