I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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