Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
