I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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