I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
