I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You don't make any sense
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