I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
