Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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