never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
