just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize