Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize