just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
