dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize