I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
