Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize