Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
