I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
