i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
