he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
