Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
