It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize