Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So squirting runs in the family.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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