Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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