If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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