the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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