Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
