I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
