also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize