I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
