So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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