Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
