You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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