I'd wear matching sweaters with you
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
