Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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