If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
