More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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