1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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