K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
