yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Randomize
