If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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