My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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