My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just googled if crying burns calories
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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