so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize