hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
