I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
