he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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