I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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