I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
