I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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