Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
