no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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