Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
