2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
