I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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