When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
