No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
