I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
