I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
