when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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