I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
