I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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